The Easter Egg Ache.

As I browsed Facebook tonight I saw many of my friend's children hunting for Easter Eggs. (Disclaimer: The pictures are adorable and I really love seeing them. I really do! And dear friends I don't want to take anything from you and those beautiful moments. But I'm going to be real about my feelings. But please know, I love your kids and I love the pictures.)

As I got to the third or forth picture something inside me ached. You see, this year Lottie is almost three and this is the first year her peers, those her exact age, are in those pictures...I'm hurting, mostly for myself. She doesn't know she is missing out. She is gleefully oblivious to the lack of food coloring on her hands or the absence of candy filled eggs in her basket.

I hurt for me. I hurt for my friends going through the same thing with their toddlers , whether it be physical limitations or sensory issues or lack of resources. I hurt for the moms who have lost children. I suspect those moms feel the absence during holidays so strongly they want to sleep it away or pretend it is just any other day. 

I hurt because Lottie will never be a walking, talking, egg hunting 2 year old. She may be at 3 or 4 or 10... But not 2. 

We will still celebrate Easter, we will dress her and her brother up and have them take pictures with their baskets. We will go to church and remember that Jesus was resurrected and that he heals the broken hearted mommies. And we are assured that either on Earth or probably in many many years when she gets to Heaven, Lottie's body will be limitless and free of all disability. 

I think of Jesus and the story of the little children coming to sit on his lap, I wonder if there were any children in that group with disabilities and if there was I would bet Jesus would have lifted them up and held them tight. I love it when friends hold Lottie tight, it makes me feel normal and it is a reflection of Jesus, whether they know it or not.

I know, deep in my heart, that Easter is not about egg hunts and bunnies. And that life has lots of purpose with or without being able to run or watch your 2 year old run. I know that I may miss this memory making experience but that I get to experience different things with Charlotte that hold much more value in the long run. I am hurting, I am owning that, I am giving my friends permission to hurt this weekend. But I know that next week will come. And as for Easter, my eyes are fixed on Jesus because his resurrection and promise of Heaven is something we all can share! And THAT is another incredible lesson from our Lottie.