Sometimes you just need to cry in your own bed!

Last night Neal got home a little later than usual so we let the kids stay up a little longer to play the classic toddler game: Rolling the Ball. The kids were laughing hard and Neal was right there having a great time. About 30 minutes after their normal bedtime, mean mommy started getting our bedtime routine going. Max was in an unusually good mood but as wiggly as ever as Neal applied his multiple creams and lotions. I was in charge of dressing Lottie, when I made a BIG rookie mistake and zipped her poor tummy into her pink piggy pajamas. 

Her face turned quickly from contentment to a look of sheer panic. My heart sunk into my stomach as I picked her up calmly telling her how sorry I was and that it was ok. Maybe calmly is the wrong word, I was frantic, she was frantic, Daddy was frantic and Max was... well curious. Charlotte hardly ever cries but when she does it is the most pitiful sound on earth, in my humble opinion.

We tried everything to soothe her. We sang all her favorite songs, tried to feed her a snack, I even let daddy hold her (assuming she was holding a deep grudge against Mommy.) We didn't like the way she was breathing so we even resorted to putting her milk in a bottle, which she hasn't used for months. Nothing was working, Elmo, Katy Perry, bouncing her on our bed, giving her a 

bath...nothing. We were nearing an hour of tears. Her tummy wasn't red or bruised so we knew it was crying for crying's sake at this point. Max was already in bed fast asleep (he hasn't formed the empathy part of his personality yet) and Neal and I were pacing with a screaming toddler.

My next move was one that I know attachment parents will cringe at, but sorry, not sorry. I told Neal that she was overly tired and needed to just lay in her bed and cry a little bit. She wasn't hurting and she could barely keep her eyes open. After much debate with my super protective husband and my own guilt, I took her and laid her in her bed. I kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her and said a quick prayer that God would comfort her to sleep. I went back to my room with Neal and we held our breaths as she cried for another 10 minutes then exhaled and fell fast asleep. 

I was playing this whole scenario over in my head on our drive to preschool this morning and  realized this was yet another lesson from Lottie. The lesson is this: When I am sad, grieving, tired, or angry sometimes I need to crawl in my bed alone and cry myself to sleep. It doesn't matter what people say, do, or even try to feed me 😉 sometimes I just have to cry. Anyone relate?

I have a confession, I have not let myself cry over Charlotte's diagnosis yet for a few reasons. One being that I want to stay strong and I don't want pity. Another reason is I have not allowed myself to just lie in bed and let it all out. It will come I am sure. And when it does I will probably want to just cry myself to sleep. And it will be ok. I will wake up the next morning feeling a bit better and maybe I will even be excited about the day like Lottie was this morning.