Micheal Scott and the Gift of being Mindful.

There was something so comforting yet incredibly uncomfortable (if that's possible) about NBC's The Office's lead character Micheal Scott. His character often brought humor to sometimes serious situations. Only Steve Carell (and Ricky Girvais, if you prefer the original British version) could say such off the wall cringe worthy quotes and still everyone adored and loved his character. And so before I delve into a post about grief and things that are not watch party worthy. I give you my favorite Micheal Scott quote: 

Now on to what's going on in our real world. I do not live in Scranton, I do not work at a paper company, my bosses are small children not a man who burned his foot on a George Foreman. Yes, Neal is my Jim in some ways and on some days he is more of a Dwight. Man I miss that show. Anyway... My life is not fictional, it is not full of 30 minute segments that mostly resolve themselves in that short time frame. 

One thing my life does have in common with television is that it is full of cliff hangers. Lots and lots of cliff hangers. Imagine every doctors appointment being like a season finale. They drop you some hints and then give you a time frame you have to wait to find out if the doctor was right or wrong. But in my life lately, every season premiere comes back with no resolution only more cliff hangers, nothing to hold on to, nothing ever changes, nothing new is revealed. Most people would turn the channel. This is my existence. This is living in the unknown. And sometimes it's peaceful and fine, and we set it aside and we don't worry about what tomorrow will bring. And we listen to people around us that say "it will be ok" or "don't count your chickens before they are hatched" and "hand it over to God." And these are all very true and very helpful. But here's some more truth... 

Some days grief overwhelms you. It's hard for me to even use that word because I we often associate it with death. And I do not in any way want to downplay the pain that many parents feel, the terrible gut wrenching life changing grief that they feel because their children have left this earth before the had the chance to grow old. I saw grief in my Mamaw's eyes when she was with us on Earth, because she lost a son when he was only 23 in a car accident. I wasn't born yet when it happened but that grief lingered. I am told she was never quite the same after the loss. I have seen it in the eyes of friends that have lost babies or have very sick babies. I have been to a funeral for a baby and felt the ache for my friend, the mother, who couldn't even bare to get out of the car. That is a grief I hope to never completely understand. It is a different grief. And I do feel like when talking about grief and parenting, it is important to stop and acknowledge that. 

That being said all parents feel grief in some form at some point. I'm a newbie parent but if you look around long enough you will see that. They say that having a child is like wearing your heart outside of your body, exposed to all the elements. How could that not produce grief at some point? There are stages of grief, I'm sure many of you know them if not, it's a very easy Google find. Right now, I am smack dab in the midst of one of the stages. I have been through denial ever so briefly. I'm constantly fighting the anger phase but that's not where I am right now. I have been to acceptance and back multiple times. I've bargained with God, I begged him to make it anything but SMA, I told him I could handle anything else that would leave her here on this earth with me for a long time. It's not SMA. Although I don't think it was my bargaining that made that so. I still pray for miracles but try to remind myself that miracles from God are given freely. Right now though, it's depression. Ugly, painful, weepy, feel sorry for myself, don't want to get out of bed, think I am the worst mom ever, will this ever end depression. I am NOT writing this for sympathy. Please understand, I know I am loved and I know it will all be ok. I am not asking for advice on depression and please please please do not suggest any essential oils, especially of the coconut persuasion. I have doctors, therapists and plenty of crunchy oil loving friends. I am writing this for honesty. I have chosen to be real here, exactly where I am in this journey, the good the bad and the ugly. The super mom mask is off, as if it was ever on, and I am ready to embrace the pain. 

I have spent hours crying and researching and crying and taking Charlotte to therapy and crying and playing with Max and crying and taking care of sick babies and crying and filling out forms and crying and preparing for appointments and crying  and that's just this week. So yesterday, I had finally had enough. I called my therapist (yes, I have one and a psychiatrist too!) and asked if I could see her ASAP. She got me in that afternoon and after a lot more crying in her office, she looked at me and told me that yes, my life is really hard and yes it will continue to be really hard and the anxiety will always be there. She said its ok if I don't spend every minute being present with the kids and figuring out Charlotte's future. She assured me that more than likely even with hours of Mickey Mouse, my kids were going to turn out fine. She even used a little stress relief oil on me... Sigh... And then she told me about mindfulness. And being in the moment. At first it sounded ridiculous. Like stopping to think about what washing my hands really felt like. The warm water, the smell of the soap, the feeling of the soft towel. And she suggested acknowledging the way my body feels in a chair. How comfortable I was, what the fabric felt like and so on. She told me to be realistic and just try to do this a few times a day. For my crazy, always-going mind, I couldn't imagine how this would help my depression and anxiety. But I already take medicine and I can't change what is going on around me. And I really don't love the smell of stress away essential oil. Charlotte and Max would still have colds and the neurology appointment on Friday was not going away. So what the heck, I told her I would give it a try. And so... 

Today, has been a new day. I am still swimming through some depression but I have had a wonderful day at home with my sick babies. I lit my new favorite fall candle and made myself appreciate the smell, even while listening to the screams of a 1 year old with a terrible diaper rash. I laid on the floor while listening to the movie Frozen and just enjoyed laying next to my daughter and listening to a movie. It didn't matter to me that she was not all that engaged or that she wasn't up doing therapy for that moment, I just enjoyed Charlotte. I held Max and fed him a bottle without picking up a phone and for the first time really appreciated the way he rubbed my thumb while feeding him. 

Don't get me wrong there was still a lot of screaming, many poopy diapers, and big messes all around me today but just being mindful of the good stuff made a big difference. And the bonus of it all is this: I found a new way to connect with my kids on a deeper level. A more personal present freeing level. 

So guess what Micheal Scott? I guess there is good grief after all because it led me to finding a way to peace even in the midst of our many cliff hangers.