Upset in My Plans Part 2

I needed to split this post into two parts for a very important reason. I felt I had to be very careful how I approached the next part of the story. I want to be able to look back on this in 15 years or have Max look back on this in 15 years and understand and love where I was coming from. I also want my audience to understand that I am just telling a small part in our story and that it is very important to read to the end. So here we go...

October 20th, 2013, that was the day I was to be induced. We were to arrive at the hospital at 4 in the morning and they would start petocin and we would be on our way to meeting our precious little boy. 3 am we received a phone call that the hospital was overbooked with emergency deliveries and they would call us when they could fit us in. Again, it totally messed up my plans, and I went into anxious Katie mode. Forget sleep, I wanted to be in the hospital having this baby now! I don't remember all the details but they said they would call by a certain time and of course they didn't so I called them. They still had no room at the inn. So I decided to pull a diva move, and call my doctor to see if she could pull some strings. Don't judge me. I was not in the right state of mind. And because she is AWESOME, she got us in by 1pm. I don't think the hospital loved it, but whatever. I got the petocin at around 4pm and Little Max dramatically made his   entrance into the world a little after 1 am on the 21st of October. Which just happened to be the first day of the World Series that our Royals were playing in. A series they had not played in since 1985, the year I was born, but I digress.

I knew immediately the connection to Max was different. I loved him but I longed for Charlotte. I didn't want to be left alone in a room with him. My heart hurt because I didn't understand what was going on. I was proud but also incredibly confused. He looked so much like Neal, he didn't feel like he was mine. I had a very hard time breast feeding and had very rude pushy nurses. I really wanted to go home. I thought if I can just go home and see Lottie, I will feel normal, this will all feel normal. I begged my nurses and doctor to let us go home early even though my blood pressure was high. They reluctantly let us go.

When I got home the depression and anxiety worsened. I had felt this with Charlotte but not near as severe. I felt I was drowning in pain and trapped in a life I couldn't get out of. I was pumping at the time and would have to spend 45 minutes in my room every 3 hours by myself, thinking about what a monumental mistake I had made for my whole family. I had 2 beautiful children and I could not figure out how I was possibly going to take care of them.

I spent days crying. Not crying, sobbing. All I wanted was Charlotte. She was the only person I felt bonded to. I feel incredibly guiltily about that now but I also understand the powerful beast that is postpartum depression. Everyone would ask me if I wanted to hurt myself. I would say "no." Which was true. I really wanted to get in a car with Charlotte and drive away. I finally called my doctor who made me come in immediately, did I mention she is AWESOME! She hugged me as soon as she saw me. She said "with everything you have going on, I would be shocked if I didn't see a little of this with you." She also told me something would have to give, we decided it would be pumping so that I could get on a strong anti-anxiety medicine. I cried about the plan but I knew I needed to be a healthy mommy to both of my babies. 

Also during this time my sister became my hero and essentially became our night nurse. She stayed 5 nights a week and would take the night shift with Max so that Neal and I could get a full night of sleep. Neal would take the weekends. My parents also stepped in and helped a lot. Because of all of this I was able to keep up with Charlotte's therapies and all of their appointments and also bond with both of them during the day.

It took a few months for my hormones to balance out and for me to see clearly. But once the fog cleared, I realized that Max was the best addition to the family, an idea that my limited, anxious mind could not come up with on its own. Now that it is clear to me I see something bigger. I see our comedian, our rambunctious little boy, our dare devil, our mama's boy, our little flirt, and most importantly Charlotte's  best friend. 

I spent so much time worrying about all the attention he would take from her. I worried that he would stunt her growth and that our love for her would shrink. I worried he would irritate her or vice versa. But wow, it's the opposite. Since day one, Charlotte has adored Max. She laughs every time he is near her. She would rather be with him then anyone else in the world. As he has grown and started to do new things Charlotte has started attempting to do them too. He started crawling about 5 months ago and she has been intently watching him and she just recently started crawling. He babbles and she tries to babble back at him. And I know as they grow the they will continue to teach each other.

 And as for our love as parents, it has no bounds. They delight us every single day and now we can't imagine what life was like before  they were here.